Since the invention of the wheel, how we travel and how fast we travel has changed. No, not changed — it has improved.

Almost every major form of transportation depends upon the wheel in some form or other. It has gone, in a mere 5,500 years, from a rotating wooden slab attached to an ancient Mesopotamian cart, to a high-velocity spin demon made with special rubber compounds, custom-made tire treads, and a tire pressure control system that suits the needs of any high-priced, horsepower-laden vehicle. There’s no debate — the wheel is pretty amazing. Whether specially made or mass produced, it gets us where we are going.

That being said, why, when this simple yet ingenious piece of technology is available, do people still insist on walking everywhere?

There is no need.

Now, I’m not saying that we should spend large amounts on decreasingly available fossil fuels in order to pump increasingly large amounts of carbon monoxide into the air (although I do believe some cars are worth the environmental risk, i.e. Veyrons, Shelbys, Challengers, and Fioranos).

No, the wheeled vehicle I suggest we use instead is none other than the bicycle. It is a lovely device. We have evolved into bipedal beings. Why not further evolve with pedaling of another sort?

Why wouldn’t we want to propel ourselves to our chosen destinations at an average speed of 7-13 mph, faster than the average walking speed of about 3mph?

Answer: We would.

So, here’s a little how-to on how to become a brazenly swift bicycle snob:

1. Buy the bike.

Whether it is a five-dollar garage sale find, or a thousand-dollar piece of high tech equipment that Lance Armstrong himself once sat his aerodynamic ass on, it doesn’t matter. Either bike would be fine, simply because either would be better than the alternative (the whole walking thing).

2. Develop a disdain for pedestrians.

These so-called “persons” will soon be the bane of your existence. They seem to have an inability to walk in a straight line or to pay attention to their surroundings. On school campuses they are equivalent to academic zombies. They bump into each other, trip over their own feet, and walk clustered together so that others are unable to pass by them. These zombies are constantly using cell phones and iPods, which although wonderful (not unlike the bicycle), should not cause those earthbound beings to forget their place in this world. That place would be the place not in the bicycler’s way.

3. Get a sound-making device that attaches to your handlebars (I prefer the grating ringing of a bell, but the honking of a horn can work equally well).