Through my 20 odd years of life, I’ve always had at least one friend. How do I do that, you might ask? Well, let’s just say I’m a pro. I’ve been making friends since before kindergarten, so I guess you could say I have experience. And it is my hope that, after reading this informative how-to on how to make friends, you will be just as adept in the art of relationships as I am.

The first step is going to sound pretty obvious, but you’d be surprised at how many people don’t do it—and that is to talk. That’s right, talk! It’s a common fact that extroverts have more friends than introverts, so if you want more friends, you’re going to have to talk more. It’s that simple. Communication, in the sense of verbally speaking, is a key component of keeping a friendship alive and well. Think of friendship as a plant, while your words are water. Try not talking to your best friend for six months and see what happens. I dare you.

But just like a plant with too much water, too much talk can kill the friendship. It never ceases to amaze me how many people yak yak yak all day long, and yet they wonder why people always roll their eyes whenever they get started on one of those topics that people don’t really care about.

Anyway, while we’re on talking, it’s important to keep in mind that you can’t say just anything. Specifically, you have to say nice things, or it isn’t really a friendship but a bullying relationship. If you say nice things to the person, compliments for example, then it’s like you're pouring sweet mountain spring water on the plant that is your friendship. However, if you say mean things or make fun of the person, it’s like you're pouring battery acid on them. So you’ve got to be careful because battery acid hurts, inside and out.

Personally, I use the two-for-one rule: I say two nice things for every one mean thing. Try three-for-one if you want to mix it up, but try not to go overboard, or the person will think you’re a pushover and take advantage of you. And in a friendship, it’s always good to be on top, so you can borrow stuff and not return it and the other person won't ever mention it because they don’t want to incite your fury.

If you’ve followed these steps up to this point, you’ll have your circle of friends in no time! But there is something more important than friendship. There is something in human nature that says enough is never enough. This is called greed. Not matter how you look at it, we’ll always want not only more friends, but more toys, more money, and more control. Yes, I know it’s hard to believe, but humans have the desire to control and manipulate our friends so we can become kingpin of our social circle, and hopefully and eventually ruler of the universe.